Funny Country Songs

http://www.you-can-be-funny.com/FunnyCountrySongs.html I found this really cool list of Funny Country Songs. Ain’t No Trash in My Trailer Since the Night I threw You Out All I Want From You is Away All My Exes Live in Texas All The Guys Who Turn Me On Turn Me Down An Old Flame Can’t Hold a Candle To You And There Was Grandma, Swingin’ on the Outhouse Door, Without a Shirt On Are You Drinkin’ with Me, Jesus? At the Gas Station of Love, I Got the Self-Service Pump Baked My Sweetie a Pie, But He Left with a Tart Beauty is Only Skin Deep, but Ugly Goes Clean to the Bone Bubba Shot the Jukebox the Other Night, Said It Played a Sad Song He Didn’t Like Bubba’s Inconvenience Store Can’t Get Over You, So Why Don’t You Get Under Me? C’mon Down Off the Stove, Granny, You’re Too Old to Ride the Range Come Out of the Wheatfield Nelly, You’re Going Against the Grain Do You Love As Good As You Look Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor On The Bedpost Overnight? Don’t Cry on My Shoulders Cause You’re Rustin’ My SpursDon’t Roll Those Bloodshot Eyes At Me Don’t Run Through the Screen Door Honey, You’ll only Strain Yourself Don’t Want That Floozy in My Jacuzzi Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life Every Time We Throw a Party, She Beats Me to the Punch Forget the Night, Help Me Make it Through the Door From the Indies to the Andies in His Undies Gave Her My Heart and a Diamond and She Clubbed Me With a Spade Get Drunk and Be Somebody Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye Going to Hell in Your Heavenly Arms Guess My Eyes Were Bigger Than My Heart Hand Me the Pool Cue and Call Yourself an Ambulance Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except Mine Heaven's Just A Sin Away Her Body Couldn't Keep You Off My Mind Her Cheatin' Heart Made A Drunken Fool Out Of Me Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure Hey, Won’t You Play Another Somebody Done Somebody Wrong Song? He’s Been Drunk Since His Wife’s Gone Punk He’s Got a Way with Women…and He’s Just got Away with Mine Here's A Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares High Cost of Low Living How Can A Whiskey That's 6 Years Old Whup A Man That's 33? How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away? How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life? How Come Your Dog Don’t Bite Nobody But Me How Did You Get So Ugly Overnight? I Ain’t Never Gone to Bed with An Ugly Woman, But I Sure Woke Up with a Few I Ain’t As Good As I Once Was, But I’m Good, Once, As I Ever Was I Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral I Bought the Shoes that Just Walked Out on Me I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me? I Can’t Love Your Body if Your Heart’s Not in It I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life I Don't Know Whether To Come Home Or Go Crazy I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling I Don't Want Your Body If Your Heart's Not In It I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart I Found the Recipe for Heartbreak In a Cookbook on Your Shelf I Gave Her the Ring, and She Gave Me the Finger I God Friends in Low Places I Got In At 2 With A 10 And Woke Up At 10 With A 2 I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except Mine I Just Bought A Car From The Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run So I Figure We Got An Even Deal I Just Couldn’t Leave Her Behind Alone I Just Fell in Something and I Sure Hope It’s Love I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You I Kissed Her On the Lips, and Left Her Behind for You I Knew I'd Hit Rock Bottom When I Woke Up On Top Of You I Knew She Really Missed Me When the Ashtray Flew Past My Head I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well I Lost My Honey Bunny on a Bad Hare Day I May Be Used (But Baby I Ain't Used Up) I Meant Every Word That He Said I Only Have Eyes for You, But Look What I’ve Got for Your Sister I Only Miss You on the Days That End in Y I Sat Down On A Beartrap (Just This Morning) I Sold a Car To a Guy Who Stole My Girl, But It Don’t Run So We’re Even I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better I Thought She was Out Jogging, But She Was Runnin’ Around On Me I Wanna Whip Your Cow I Want a Beer as Cold as My Ex-Wife’s Heart I Was Looking Back to See if You Were Looking Back to See if I Was Looking Back to See if You Were Looking Back at Me I Was So Ugly When I Was Born That the Doctor Slapped My Momma I Went Back to My Fourth Wife for the Third Time and Gave Her a Second Chance to Make a First Class Fool Out of Me I Wish I Were a Woman (So I Could Go Out With A Guy Like Me) I Wish I Were In Dixie Tonight, But She's Out Of Town I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck! I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win I Wouldn't Take You To A Dog Fight Even If I Thought You Could Win I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy I’d Rather Hear a Fat Girl Fart Than a Pretty Boy Sing If Drinkin' Don't Kill Me, Her Memory Will If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, Wonder Whose I'd Find On You If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You If I Had a Nose Full of Nickels, I’d Sneeze Them All Atchoo! If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now If I Said You Had A Beautiful Body, Would You Hold It Against Me? If It's Got To Be Later, How 'Bout Later Tonight? If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low If Money Talks, It Ain’t On Speaking Terms with Me If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You If She Puts Lipstick On My Dipstick, I'll Fall In Love If The Jukebox Took Teardrops I'd Cry All Night Long If The Phone Don't Ring, Baby, You'll Know It's Me If The Phone Don’t Ring, It’s Me Not Calling You Up If Whiskey Were A Woman I'd Be Married For Sure If You Can't Feel It (It Ain't There) If You Can’t Get An Upper Berth in Hawaii, You Can Always Get Aloha If You Can’t Live Without Me, Why Aren’t You Dead Yet? If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too? If You were the Only Girl in the World, You Would Probably Be My Sister It Ain't Love But It Ain't Bad It Don't Feel Like Sinnin' To Me It Takes Me All Night Long To Do What I Used To Do All Night Long It’s Hard to Kiss the Lips at Night that Chew Your Ass Out All Day Long I'll Get Over You As Soon As You Get Out From Under Him I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonite I'm Gettin' Gray From Being Blue I'm Gonna Hire A Wino To Decorate Our Home I'm Havin' Daydreams About Night Things In The Middle Of The Afternoon I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life I'm Not Married But The Wife Is I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here I’m So Much Cooler On-Line I’m Sorry I Made You Cry, But At Least Your Face is Cleaner I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised It’s Better to Have Loved a Short Girl, Than to have Never Loved a Tall It’s 5 O’Clock Somewhere I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart I've Got Four On The Floor And A Fifth Under The Seat I’ve Got the Hungries for Your Love and I’m Waiting in Your Welfare Line I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies And I'm Blue All The Time I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Back In My Bed While I Cry Over You I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line Jesus Loves You But I Don’t Learning To Live Again Without You Is Killing Me Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head) May The Bird Of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose My Every Day Silver Is Plastic My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart My Shoe’s Keep Walkin’ Back to You My Sweet Tooth Says I Wanna, But My Wisdom Tooth Says Now I Lay Me Down to Cheat My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him Now That We’re Both Miserable I Hope You’re Happy Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You Oh, Lord! It's Hard To Be Humble When You're Perfect In Every Way One Day When You Swing That Skillet My Face Ain’t Gonna Be There Out Of My Head And Back In My Bed Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill Peekin’ In the Knothole In Grandma’s Wooden Leg Please Bypass This Heart Red Necks, White Socks, and Blue Ribbon Beer She Broke My Heart So I Broke Her Jaw She Broke My Heart While I Broke My Back She Chews Tobacco, But She Didn’t Choose Me She Feels Like A New Man Tonight She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart She Offered Her Honor, He Honored Her Offer, and All Through the Night it Was Honor and Offer She’s Actin’ Single and I’m Drinkin’ Doubles She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty She’s Lookin’ Better After Every Beer She's Out Doing What I'm Here Doing Without Since You Bought the Waterbed We’ve Slowly Drifted Apart Swing Wide Your Gate Of Love Take Me to the Cornfield Honey and I’ll Kiss You Between the Ears Take Me to the Quarry and I’ll Get a Little Bolder Tennis Must Be Your Racket 'Cause Love Means Nothin' To You Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone Thanks to the Cathouse, I’m in the Doghouse with You The Beer I Had for Breakfast is Comin’ Back for Lunch The Gun Ain’t Loaded But I Am The Last Word In Lonesome Is "me" The Only Good Years in Our Life Were On Our Car The Peach I Picked in Georgia Didn’t Cling to Me for Long The Tears of Her Eyes Washed Out the Bridge of Her Nose There Ain’t Enough Room in my Fruit of the Looms to Hold All My Lovin’ for You There Ain't No Waste In My Baby's Love Canal They Ain’t Makin’ Jews Like Jesus Anymore They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out Touch Me With More Than Your Hands Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart Walk Out the Door Backwards So I Think You’re Coming In We Used to Just Kiss on the Lips but Now It’s All Over What Made Milwaukee Famous (Has Made a Loser Out of Me) When We Get Back To the Farm (That's When We Really Go To Town) When My Love Comes Back from the Ladies’ Room Will I Be Too Old to Care? When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In Whiskey for My Men, Beer for My Horses Who You Gonna Believe, Me Or Your Lying Eyes? Why Do You Believe Me When I Tell You That I Love You When You Know I’ve Been a Liar All My Life? Who’s Makin’ Time with the Time Keeper’s Daughter, when the Time Keeper’s Keepin’ Time? Would You Like Fries With That? You Can't Deal Me All The Aces And Expect Me Not To Play You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd You Changed Your Name from Brown to Jones, and Mine from Brown to Blue You Done Me Wrong, But Keep On Doing It ‘Til You Do It Right You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat You Hurt The Love Right Out Of Me You May Put Me In Prison, But You Can't Keep My Face From Breakin' Out You Stuck My Heart in an Old Tin Can and Shot It Off a Log You Wanted to Get Hitched, But My Heart is Filled With Whoa You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life You're A Cross I Can't Bear You're Ruining My Bad Reputation You’re the Hangnail in my Life, And I Can’t Bite You Off You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

ONIONS and BACTERIA

ONIONS! I had never heard this!!!
>
>
> PLEASE READ TO THE END: IMPORTANT
>
> In 1919 when the flu killed 40 million
> people there was this Doctor that
> visited the many farmers to see if he could
> help them combat the flu...
> Many of the farmers and their families had
> contracted it and many died.
>
> The doctor came upon this one farmer and to
> his surprise, everyone was very
> healthy. When the doctor asked what the
> farmer was doing that was different
> the wife replied that she had placed an
> unpeeled onion in a dish in the
> rooms of the home, (probably only two rooms
> back then). The doctor couldn't
> believe it and asked if he could have one of
> the onions and place it under
> the microscope. She gave him one and when he
> did this, he did find the flu
> virus in the onion. It obviously absorbed
> the bacteria, therefore, keeping
> the family healthy.
>
>
>
> Now, I heard this story from my hairdresser.
> She said that several
> years ago, many of her employees were coming
> down with the flu, and so were
> many of her customers. The next year she
> placed several bowls with onions
> around in her shop. To her surprise, none of
> her staff got sick. It must
> work. Try it and see what happens. We did it
> last year and we never got the flu.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Now there is a P. S. to this for I sent it
> to a friend in Oregon who
> regularly contributes material to me on
> health issues. She replied with this
> most interesting experience about onions:
>
> Thanks for the reminder. I don't know about
> the farmer's story...but, I do
> know that I contacted pneumonia, and,
> needless to say, I was very ill... I came
> across an article that said to cut both ends
> off an onion put it into an
> empty jar, and place the jar next to the
> sick patient at night. It said the
> onion would be black in the morning from the
> germs...sure enough it happened
> just like that...the onion was a mess and I
> began to feel better.
>
> Another thing I read in the article was that
> onions and garlic placed around
> the room saved many from the black plague
> years ago. They have powerful
> antibacterial, antiseptic properties.
>
> This is the other note.
>
> Lots of times when we have stomach problems
> we don't know what to blame.
> Maybe it's the onions that are to blame.
> Onions absorb bacteria is the
> reason they are so good at preventing us
> from getting colds and flu and is
> the very reason we shouldn't eat an onion
> that has been sitting for a time
> after it has been cut open.
>
> LEFT OVER ONIONS ARE POISONOUS
>
> I had the wonderful privilege of touring
> Mullins Food Products, Makers of
> mayonnaise. Questions about food poisoning
> came up, and I wanted to share
>
>
>
> what I learned from a chemist.
>
> Ed, who was our tour guide, is a food
> chemistry whiz. During the tour, someone
> asked if we really needed to worry about
> mayonnaise. People are always
> worried that mayonnaise will spoil. Ed's
> answer will surprise you. Ed said
> that all commercially-made mayo is
> completely safe.
>
> "It doesn't even have to be refrigerated. No
> harm in refrigerating it, but
> it's not really necessary." He explained
> that the pH in mayonnaise is set at
> a point that bacteria could not survive in
> that environment. He then talked
> about the summer picnic, with the bowl of
> potato salad sitting on
> the table, and how everyone blames the
> mayonnaise when someone gets sick.
>
> Ed says that, when food poisoning is
> reported, the first thing the officials
> look for is when the 'victim' last ate
> ONIONS and where those onions came
> from (in the potato salad?). Ed says it's
> not the mayonnaise (as long as
> it's not homemade mayo) that spoils in the
> outdoors. It's probably the
> ONIONS, and if not the onions, it's the
> POTATOES.
>
> He explained onions are a huge magnet for
> bacteria, especially uncooked
> onions. You should never plan to keep a
> portion of a sliced onion.. He says
> it's not even safe if you put it in a
> zip-lock bag and put it in your
> refrigerator.
>
> It's already contaminated enough just by
> being cut open and out for a bit,
> that it can be a danger to you (and doubly
> watch out for those onions you
> put in your hotdogs at the baseball park!).
> Ed says if you take the leftover onion and cook it like crazy you'll
> probably be okay, but if you slice that leftover onion and put on your
> sandwich, you're asking for trouble. Both the onions and the moist potato in
> a potato salad, will attract and grow bacteria faster than any commercial
> mayonnaise will even begin to break down.
>
> Also, dogs should never eat onions. Their
> stomachs cannot metabolize onions
> Please remember it is dangerous to cut an
> onion and try to use it to cook
> the next day, it becomes highly poisonous
> for even a single night and
> creates toxic bacteria which may cause
> adverse stomach infections because of excess bile secretions and even food
> poisoning.
>
> Please pass this on to all you love and care
> about.
>
>

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots

From one unstable person to another... I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there.
I have made several trips there, thanks to my kids and friends.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump,
and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand
firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense!
It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing.

Life is too short for negative drama & petty things. So laugh
insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!

Reposting because I liked it

Be Careful of Your Thoughts

"Be careful of your thoughts, for your thoughts become your words.
Be careful of your words, for your words become your actions.
Be careful of your actions, for your actions become your habits.
Be careful of your habits, for your habits become your character.
Be careful of your character, for your character becomes your destiny."
Author unknown

Asking God A Question

Me: God, can I ask You a question?

God: Sure

Me: Promise You won't get mad ...

God: I promise

Me: Why did You let so much stuff happen to me today?

God: What do u mean?

Me: Well, I woke up late

God: Yes

Me: My car took forever to start

God: Okay

Me: at lunch they made my sandwich wrong & I had to wait

God: Huummm

Me: On the way home, my phone went DEAD, just as I picked up a call

God: All right

Me: And on top of it all off, when I got home ~I just wanted to watch my new tv
& relax. BUT it wouldn't work!!! Nothing went right today! Why did You do that?

God: Let me see, the death angel was at your bed this morning & I had to send one of My Angels to battle him for your life. I let you sleep through that

Me (humbled): OH

GOD: I didn't let your car start because there was a drunk driver on your route that would have hit you if you were on the road.

Me: (ashamed)

God: The first person who made your sandwich today was sick & I didn't want you to catch what they have, I knew you couldn't afford to miss work.

Me (embarrassed):Okay

God: Your phone went dead bcuz the person that was calling was going to give false witness about what you said on that call, I didn't even let you talk to them so you would be covered.

Me (softly): I see God

God: Oh and that tv, it had a shortage that was going to throw out all of the power in your house tonight. I didn't think you wanted to be in the dark.

Me: I'm Sorry God

God: Don't be sorry, just learn to Trust Me.... in All things , the Good & the bad.

Me: I will trust You.

God: And don't doubt that My plan for your day is Always Better than your plan.

Me: I won't God. And let me just tell you God, Thank You for Everything today.

God: You're welcome child. It was just another day being your God and I Love looking after My Children...

FROGS

A group of frogs were traveling through the woods,and two of them fell into a deep pit. All the other frogs gathered around the pit. When they saw how deep the pit was, they told the unfortunate frogs they would never get out. The two frogs ignored the comments and tried to jump up out of the pit. The other frogs kept telling them to stop, that they were as good as dead. Finally, one of the frogs took heed to what the other frogs were saying and simply gave up. He fell down and died. The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Once again, the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and suffering and just die. He jumped even harder and finally made it out. When he got out, the other frogs asked him,"Why did you continue jumping?Didn't you hear us?" The frog explained to them that he was deaf. He thought they were encouraging him the entire time.

This story teaches two lessons:

1. There is a power of life and death in the tongue. An encouraging word to someone who is down can lift them up and help them make it through the day.

2. A destructive word to someone who is down can be what it takes to kill them. Be careful of what you say. Speak life to those who cross your path. The power of words.... it is sometimes hard to understand that an encouraging word can go such a long way. Anyone can speck words that tend to rob another of the spirt to continue in difficult times.

Special is the individual who will take the time to encourage another. Be special to others.

THIS IS SO COOL....COPY ONE INTO YOUR FB CHAT

:)

Try this :3 Just type it into Facebook Chat.

[[249199828481201]] - Konata Izumi
[[250128751720149]] - Domo Kun
[[223328504409723]] - Gintoki Sakata
[[236147243124900]] - Pokeball
[[326134990738733]] - Pikachu
[[155393057897143]] - Doraemon
[[224502284290679]] - Nobita
[[144685078974802]] - Mojacko
[[334954663181745]] - Spongebob
[[196431117116365]] - Shin chan
[[148935948523684]] - Pedo Bear
[[269153023141273]] - Poring
[[332936966718584]] - Hello Kitty
[[252497564817075]] - Kerokeroppi
[[297354436976262]] - Santa Claus
[[157680577671754]] - Angry Bird